


Planes & Pioneers

by FallingTowers



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Angus pets a dog in this one, Comedy, Gen, Meta, This is just goofs upon goofs, Very light-hearted
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-21
Updated: 2017-08-21
Packaged: 2018-12-18 07:43:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,325
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11869740
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FallingTowers/pseuds/FallingTowers
Summary: Lucretia, Taako, Magnus and Merle start a real play P&P Farcast.





	Planes & Pioneers

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to atone for my last fanfic, which was very sad, so have this dumb thing I guess.
> 
> I might write more chapters if there's any interest! Let me know.

“Whoof!” Taako exclaims, as he steps out of the portal and into the richly furnished conference chamber. “Traveling in style! You gonna retire those bubbles? Put Avi out of a job?”

The portal closes behind him, and he takes in his surroundings. “Not at all,” Lucretia tells him. “Spell slots remain an issue. You don’t need to worry for Avi’s sake.”

Taako looks serious. “I would never worry about Avi. Dude can _take-care-of-him-self,”_ he says, with exaggerated emphasis. “So, the others going to be here?”

Lucretia nods. “Have a seat, Taako. I’ll bring them here.”

“You got it,” Taako says, and takes a seat at the polished-wood table. There’s a pitcher of lemon water on it, and he reaches for it and pours himself a glass. Lucretia, meanwhile, brings herself into focus, like a lens; there is a twinge of magical force in her and another portal opens up in the air.

This time it’s Merle who steps through. “Hey, Lucretia,” he says, as easy as ever. He is wearing a shirt with a pattern of big, tropical flowers.

“Hello, Merle. I—oh. I see you’ve gotten wet sand all over my floor.”

“Huh? Oh, yeah,” Merle says, looking down at his sandal-clad feet. In fact, he looks pretty soggy all over. There is a limp clump of seaweed in his beard. “Sorry. I just got back from the beach. You know, Mookie, he just loves playin’ in the water, and, well, you know he can get pretty excited…”

Lucretia waves it away. “It’s fine, Merle. Help yourself to some lemon water, and I’ll open a portal for Magnus.”

“Don’t mind if I do,” Merle says, and plops down a little wetly on the chair next to Taako’s. “Hey, old buddy, how’ve you been?”

“Hey, my man.” They clink glasses together, while Lucretia opens a third and final portal. It hangs in midair, fraying at the edges in whorls of confused reality.

Through it comes Magnus, barreling at full speed. He wraps his arms around Lucretia and lifts her off the ground before she has time to react. “Lucretia!” he shouts. “I missed you!” Behind him, Johann the sheepdog bounds through the portal before it closes, and jumps excitedly around them as Magnus spins Lucretia around.

When Magnus puts her down, Lucretia looks a little frizzled, but she smiles a big, genuine smile. “Hello, Magnus,” she says. “It’s nice to see you too.” Johann jumps up at her, desperate to be petted, and she adds, “No dogs on the moon.”

Magnus, who is currently greeting Taako and Merle with high-fives, grins at her. “Oh, come on,” he says. “Johann is extraordinarily well-behaved. Johann! Heel!”

Lucretia watches the sheepdog obey the command, and smiles. She wasn’t being serious, anyway. They’re well past that. In Magnus’ case, nobody on the Bureau of Benevolence moonbase, not even her, would dream of enforcing the “no dogs” rule.

“Alright, Lucretia,” Merle says, as Lucretia sits down at the head of the table. “You wanna tell us why we’re here?”

Magnus has seated himself opposite Merle and Taako, and the three of them look attentively at her. It’s enough to make her remember another time, a worse time: her on one side of a desk, and the three of them, memory-robbed, on the other. She pushes the thought away. “First off, I didn’t mean to alarm you with my summons. There’s nothing wrong, so don’t worry. In fact, I called you here to introduce you to a new technology. Angus?”

Through the door comes Angus McDonald, the world’s greatest detective and star pupil of Lucas Miller's institute of magical technology. He smiles at the three of them, and laughs as Johann rushes to greet him. “Hey, boy! Hello there, sirs!” he says, kneeling down and scratching the ecstatic dog.

“Hi, Ango,” Magnus says, and Merle and Taako mumble friendly greetings.

“Angus, would you like to tell us a little bit about your project?” Lucretia asks.

“Oh! Yes, ma’am.” Angus gets to his feet, and comes to stand next to Lucretia, where all three of the Tres Horny Boys can see him without craning their necks. He’s wearing a messenger bag, and he opens it up and produces from it an ordinary-looking Stone of Farspeech, which he holds up.

“Got one of those already, little man,” Taako points out, taking the Stone from Angus’ hands and inspecting it. “Is this the new model? You got Fantasy Instagram on this thing?”

“What’s—what’s Fantasy Instagram?” Angus asks, but Taako waves _forget it._ “No, sirs, this is my new invention! I reverse-engineered the Farspeech spell and made some improvements.”

“Angus has created a Farspeech system where one Stone can theoretically broadcast to a number of receivers which has no upper limit,” Lucretia says. “What’s more, a receiver can choose freely which broadcaster to receive.”

“I call it ‘Farcast’,” Angus says proudly.

“I’m sure I don’t need to explain how this will be a revolutionizing solution for public address,” Lucretia says. “The possibilities are endless. Dissemination of news, and of information in case of crisis or natural disaster… Needless to say, the Bureau has decided to sponsor this promising new technology.”

“Well, fuck yeah, my man,” Taako says to Angus, placing the Stone on the table. “Excellent work.”

“So, where do we come in?” Magnus asks. Johann has returned to his side, and Magnus is patting him underneath the table.

“Oh, yes,” Lucretia says. “I’ll explain. Angus, you can go.”

Angus lingers for a second, glancing at Magnus. “Sir, can I play with Johann?”

Magnus grins wide at the boy. “Of course you can, Ango!” He pats Johann’s flank, and the sheepdog bounds over to Angus and starts circling him, panting excitedly. “And if anybody gives you that ‘no dogs on the moon’ crap, just tell ‘em Magnus says it’s ok.” As he says this last part, he winks at Lucretia.

Angus and Johann leave the room, and Lucretia speaks again. “With new technology like this, it’s not enough to have the means and resources to spread it. You also need to get the public interested. That’s where you come in.”

“Oh, so it’s like a marketing thing!” Merle says.

“Yes, I suppose so,” Lucretia allows. “Of course, the possibilities of Farcast technology aren’t limited to news broadcasts. There could also be educational content, or entertainment—”

“Which one are we?” Magnus interrupts, prompting grins around the table.

“Well, my man Merle here is definitely educational,” Taako says. “He’s a warning example.” Merle howls with laughter.

Lucretia listens to the friendly ribbing with a little smile. When the table settles down a little, she asks: “You’re aware that the Bureau of Benevolence now has a sports and games department, correct? Our philosophy is that humanitarian aid is only one aspect of making the world a better place. People need leisure activities as well.”

Merle slurps his lemon water loudly. Magnus, seemingly noticing the pitcher for the first time, exclaims: “Is that lemon water? Oh man, I gotta replenish my electrolytes!”

“I—can I finish?” Lucretia asks, though her exasperation carries the usual note of affection. “Well, the games department recently finished a prototype of a new game. We call this game Planes & Pioneers, or P&P for short. It’s—well, the idea is that there are infinite realities, as you know. Infinite planes. In P&P, you create a persona and explore one of those planes.”

“Wait, what?” Taako leans forward, suddenly avid. “You mean you’ve invented technology to travel between planar systems? Way to bury the lede, homegirl!”

“Does that mean we can go visit all the planes we went to on the Starblaster?” Magnus asks, his eyes wide.

“No, no,” Lucretia says hurriedly, waving her hands to dispel the notion of interreality travel. “No. This is more of a hypothetical thing. It’s – it’s sort of an exercise in imagination.”

A silence falls over the table as the Tres Horny Boys ponder this. Finally, Taako says: “So it’s like… a theater thing.”

Merle is looking down at the polished wood of the tabletop, shaking his head slowly. “I’m sorry, I just don’t… I don’t get it.”

“It’s like an improv thing, homie,” Taako says. “You ever done anything like that? ‘Yes, and’? Ring any bells?”

Merle lifts his glass of water, his face still set in a thousand-mile stare of incomprehension, and takes a long, slow slurp.

“Oh!” Magnus says, his face lighting up with sudden understanding. “So it’s like make-believe!”

“My man Burnsides gets it,” Taako says.

“I don’t—” Lucretia begins, reluctantly. Then, she realizes that the explanation isn’t actually all that bad. “Yes, okay. It’s like make-believe. It’s a pretend game. A chance to have adventure in the safety of one’s home. To be someone else for a while. You’ve all had those days when all you’ve wanted is to be someone else, right?”

“Never,” Taako says, with emphasis.

“I still don’t get what this has to do with Ango’s Farspeech thing,” Magnus says. “What do you want us to do?”

“It’s exactly like Merle said,” Lucretia says. “I want to engage the three of you in a marketing endeavor, to get the word out about Farcast technology. As you know, we in the IPRE crew are well-loved public figures now, and that goes double for you three. I want us to play a game of P&P, on live Farcast, and hopefully it’ll be popular enough to get people interested in the technology.”

“Well, I’d love to help ya, Lucretia, but I’m still not entirely clear on what—”

“What’s in it for us?” Taako asks, ignoring Merle.

“You’ll be paid, of course. Union rate for theater actors,” Lucretia replies, “since that’s more or less the function you’ll have.”

“Sounds fun!” Magnus says. “I’m in!”

“Union rate for actors is _balls,”_ Taako says emphatically. He has some experience with show-biz, after all. He shakes his head. “Tell you what, I’ll do it for free. And so will these chumps.”

“We will?” Merle asks.

“I sense a _but,”_ Lucretia says, and regrets it instantly. Magnus, Merle and Taako break out in howling laughter. Merle tries to say something to the effect of _oh, you do, do you?_ but he’s laughing too hard. Tears stream from Magnus’ eyes. “We’re doing this, huh,” Lucretia says dryly.

Once Taako has calmed down enough to speak, he says: _“Nice.”_ Then he says: “You don’t have to pay us, but every broadcast has one commercial break where we all get to advertise our products.”

“But,” Lucretia protests, and only the megawatt power of her forbidding stare keeps Merle and Magnus from breaking out into hysterics again. “This isn’t a commercial endeavor. This technology is for the betterment of civilization!”

“So is Taako’s transmedia brand empire, homeslice,” Taako says lazily, inspecting his nails. “Just think about it, ok?”

Merle, still a little shaky with the giggles though he tries hard to be serious, says: “I’m sorry, could you run the game thing past me one more time?”

 

* * *

 

The Bureau of Benevolence decides to do a trial run of the Farcast technology in Neverwinter, with an expansion of the market on the table, should the technology prove popular. Statespeople and important civil servants get free trial Stones, and a small number of the Stones are also sold to the general public. The Bureau puts together a program of broadcasts: world news, educational lectures, music. Stage plays are adapted for an audio-only format. The Bureau staff gets creative, and invents interview programs.

Lucretia agrees to Taako’s proposal. It is decided that the four of them will Farcast bi-weekly, on Thursdays.

The day of the first Farcast arrives.

Helped by Bureau techs, Angus jerry-rigs the Farcast equipment: Stones of Farspeech dangle from strings, at about mouth height, the strings tied in knots to a chandelier above.

“What are those guys doing here?” Taako asks, and points. There is a small band in the corner of the chamber. A star-struck mandolinist waves at him.

“They’re there for ambience,” Lucretia says. She’s once again seated at the head of the table, but this time, she has in front of her a foldable screen, paper in cast-iron frames. The screen hides piles of books and papers from view. Taako, Merle and Magnus have all been supplied with a number of variously polyhedral dice, sheaves of writing paper, and a pen each. The pens have the Bureau of Benevolence logo printed on them.

Lucretia is looking at a pocket watch. She is visibly nervous. “Alright, we’re almost up. Are you all ready?”

“Born ready,” Taako says. He is doodling goofy cartoons on a piece of paper. Merle, to Lucretia’s great horror, is pouring a tall glass of cucumber water for himself. Magnus drums on the tabletop and looks at the ceiling. He seems tense.

“Okay,” Lucretia says, still watching the clock face. “Silence, please. We’re going live in three, two…”

She speaks a word of power, and the Stones of Farspeech activate. Lucretia looks down at her notes. She may be uncharacteristically nervous, but she’s done some Farcasting already, and is turning into quite the professional. “Hello, everyone,” she says. “I’m Lucretia, director of the Bureau of Benevolence, and host of this little experiment. This is an all-new Farcast, so bear with us. With me in the studio today, I have—”

“Wait, are we recording this right now?” Merle interrupts, looking at Lucretia, then at the Stone of Farspeech dangling in front of his face. Lucretia grimaces.

“No, Merle, we’re broadcasting _live,”_ she says, then flinches when Taako suddenly yells.

“Tres Horny Boooys! What’s up, fools? Taako’s coming at you live!”

“I—yes,” Lucretia stammers, struggling to regain control of the situation. “I’m joined in the studio by Taako, Merle Highchurch, and Magnus Burnsides, all of whom require no introduction. Magnus, would you like to introduce yourself? Magnus?”

Magnus is staring at the Stone in front of him, with an expression like he’s looking at a very venomous and angry snake. His eyes are very wide.

“Looks like my man’s got a case of stage fright,” Taako says. “Just imagine everyone’s naked, that’s what I do. That’s what I do constantly.” Magnus doesn’t respond, just looks pleadingly at Taako. “Oh, brother,” Taako says.

“We really should get on with the show—” Lucretia attempts.

“Hey, Mags. Maggie.” Merle waves to get Magnus’ attention. “Hey, look at me. Don’t look at the Stone, look at me. We’re talkin’, okay? It’s a conversation between friends. It’s just us four at the table. Nothin’ to be nervous about. Okay?”

Magnus manages a shaky “Y-yeah.” He swallows, then continues: “I’m, uh, Magnus Burnsides. Hi, everyone.”

“And I’m Merle Highchurch.”

Lucretia mouths _thank you_ to Merle, and continues. “So, in this Farcast, we’ll be playing a game which we’ve designed here at the Bureau of Benevolence, which is called Planes  & Pioneers. It’s a little rules-heavy, so bear with us while we learn the ropes. In Planes & Pioneers, our three heroes will take on new identities and go on new adventures, all while you listen.” She raises a hand into the air. “Join us and find out how our heroes fare in… The Quest Corner!”

Lucretia chops the air with the edge of her hand. At this signal, the band strikes up, playing a mystical, snaking theme.

As the music winds down, Taako grins. “While I absolutely appreciate the showmanship, Lucretia, are we seriously calling this Farcast 'The Quest Corner'?”

“Corner spelled with a K,” Merle supplies.

“Quest _and_ corner _both_ spelled with K's,” Taako suggests.

Lucretia gives them an icy glare to shut them up. Instead of responding to their ribbing, she asks: “Did you all prepare your characters, the way I asked you to?”

“Absolutely,” Taako says, and consults his character sheet. “Uh, for this, I will be playing the role of Hrong, a barbarian woman from a savage land who is, uh, you know, huge. Just absolutely fuckin’ massive. She likes danger, women and fast battlewagons.”

“Well, I don’t know that battlewagons exist on the plane we'll be exploring,” Lucretia says, “but she sounds perfect. So you’ll be filling the role of a heavy hitter, with lots of physical strength and vitality. Magnus?”

Magnus is sweating bullets, but at least he doesn’t act as if he’s paralyzed anymore. When Lucretia calls on him, he rifles through his papers until he finds his character sheet. “Uh, yeah. My character is called, uh, Sildar Hallwinter, and he’s a, you know, an assassin.”

“Who’s Sildar Hallwinter?” Taako asks.

“What do you mean?” Magnus looks perplexed. “He’s my P&P character.”

“No, I mean…” Taako scratches his chin. “Isn’t Sildar Hallwinter someone we know? I mean, that’s such a familiar name.”

“I don’t think so,” Magnus says, though he sounds unsure.

Merle weighs in. “No, I’m with Taako,” he says. “I definitely know a Sildar, I think.”

“Let’s move on,” Lucretia says. “Sildar’s an assassin, which means he’s expert at sneaking and subterfuge.”

“That’s correct,” Magnus says.

“Great. That’s a skillset which will surely become useful to your group as your adventure progresses. So, that means we have one slot in the party left to fill. Merle, tell us about your character.”

Merle leans back in his chair, and begins speaking with a great deal of confidence. “Well, his name is…” And then he trails off. Merle doesn’t move a muscle. The silence stretches out. Lucretia watches him, as do Magnus, Taako, the musicians, and the BoB techs who are there to make sure everything runs smoothly. After long moments, Merle says: “Merle.”

The silence this time is stunned. When Taako speaks, he sounds as if he’s got something stuck in his throat. “Your character’s name… is Merle?”

“And what is… _Merle’s_ vocation?” Lucretia manages.

“He’s…” Merle says. “A…” Merle says. “Cleric,” Merle says finally.

“Merle the cleric.” Lucretia’s voice is flat.

“Yes,” Merle says, and meets her stare dead-on.

This time, perhaps because she’s afraid of broadcasting too many long stretches of silence, Lucretia continues briskly on. “So Merle will be playing Merle the cleric, which means he’s going to be the party’s healer.”

“Actually, I don’t know if I can do this,” Taako says. “This just stretches the limits of the imagination too much.” Magnus slams his fist into the table and roars with laughter, and just like that, the tension at the table dissipates.

“Okay, let’s talk rules,” Lucretia says.

The P&P rules are arcane, but Lucretia manages to condense them into halfway understandable descriptions of die rolls and maneuvers. Taako stares at his dice as if willing them to reveal their secrets to him, then abruptly says, “I got it.”

Lucretia looks taken aback. “You’ve got it?”

“Yup.”

“All of it?”

“Yuuup.”

Magnus sits with his heavy brow furrowed. He shakes his head, and looks at Lucretia with a sheepish smile. “This is very theoretical,” he says. “I’m more hands-on. I carved these dice myself.”

“And they’re very nice, my man,” Taako says, which earns him a delighted grin.

“I’m sure you’ll get it once we get going,” Lucretia assures him, then turns to Merle. “How are you doing, Merle? Does all this seem manageable?”

“Well,” Merle says, lifting a finger as if to make a salient point. He falls quiet. He looks away, grabs his glass of cucumber water, and begins slurping.

Taako deftly takes the glass out of Merle’s hand, and sets it down on the table, far out of the dwarf’s reach. “Don’t worry,” he says to Lucretia. “I’ll keep an eye on him, make sure he rolls the right dice.”

Lucretia nods gratefully, and looks down on her notes. “Okay,” she says, quietly, as if psyching herself up. Then she looks up, over her screen, at the three of them. “Well then, let’s begin. The three of you – Sildar, Hrong and, uh, Merle – are seated around a table in a tavern, enjoying a beer and each other’s companionship, when you are approached by a mysterious-looking man…”


End file.
